Recovery Rocks?

Today I am not feeling recovery. I haven't felt it for a few days. I am just so not happy with my life. I really need to get out of this funk. I think it's because I didn't see my family on Sunday. I will get to see my mom today if she lets me come and visit. I no longer will try and live for them. I really want to have a break from this recovery thing. That doesn't mean I want to relapse. I just want to spend time with my family now.. Does that make sense? I have to figure out when I am supposed to meet with my sponsor now. I hope its soon!

2014 was the worst year.. why I took off

It has been a long time since I have posted a blog. I know I am only writing this to myself but I will tell you why. Peter and my lives ended back in Dec 2013. He introduced me to crack and from there it snowballed into my year from hell. When I left my engagement ring on the crack table on a snowy Friday night, that was the end of future Mrs. Hansen. I went to a party with a girl I had met at a local bar and tried molly. I was then known as the girl that slept with 5 guys in one weekend. I don't remember any of that as I was in and out of consciousness. After that weekend I no longer had a home. I went to stay at my sisters and got my job back at The North Face and Timberland. I met a guy from that party that I did not sleep with. His name was Jon and was super nice. Things with us started out great and worked with the fact that I lived with my sister. He also had a full time job and seemed like a great catch. Things started to get more controlling with my sister and him as well. My sister controlled everything I did. I had a curfew and had to give her basically all of my paycheck. Jon would come and pick me up at 10 pm and bring me back at midnight. I was still working at this point. Well my sister got upset with me and told me that I couldn't do overnights on the weekend. I freaked out and called Peter and I got to go back there. I was able to use the Camry again. Jon spent every night with me and Peter was still luring me in with crack. I would smoke it with him when Jon was asleep. One time we actually had sex when Jon wasn't there. I don't remember it bc I was hallucinating. Jon and I were together every second of the day. I even got him a cell phone. He started to become very jealous that I was working 8 hrs a day and he didn't like me wearing makeup. I wasn't even allowed to do overtime bc he thought I was cheating on him with my boss. I started to realize that he was a little more than just loving, he wanted all control over me. We attempted to go to my mom's for a weekend and during that time he got very upset with me. When we got there he said we were going back. I was super tired and told him that I wanted to sleep first. He freaked out and I had to tell my scared mother that I had to go. He drove back but every time I fell asleep he would speed to 100mph and slam on the brakes. He did it so hard that it woke me and I had a panic attack. The concern from him only last a few minutes until I started to fall back to sleep. We got back to Appleton and I had to lie to Peter and tell him that I was sick, he knew better than that. I lived in fear in my basement bc Jon was so violent and controlling. I decided it was time to leave and I was going to move back to MN that following week after we scared my mom. I bought a bus ticket to MN that Sunday. I had help from my work and the local domestic violence shelter. That Monday morning I drove Jon home like I normally did and went to work, he could sense something was up. I said goodbye to him for what I thought was the last time. I went home and packed my stuff. Peter was there to help me and cried the whole time. My friend Jess picked me up and drove me to Green Bay to catch the bus. I didn't text Jon the whole time. When the bus finally got to Shawano I thought the distance was enough to text Jon and tell him. I still to this day do not know why I said anything to him. He started to send me messages and pictures of his arms and then decided to steal his dad's car and followed me. My friend Noelle picked me up in St Paul and I kept looking behind my shoulder. Jon was not far behind. I went to my mom's apt and got the keys from her neighbor. Jon promised me that he wasn't upset and just needed gas money to get back to WI. I told him that I would meet him at the gas station and that I would not get in the car. He reassured me that he wasn't going to do anything and just wanted to give me a ride. I knew he was lying but I still got in the car. We pulled up to the gas station and he acted like he was getting gas and sped off. I screamed and told him I had to give my mom's keys back to her neighbor. He let me go back there and waited outside her apt door. I was so scared and thankful that she didn't say anything. We left and went back to the gas station where he had me empty my bank accounts. He took my phone away and told me that I was going to be dead soon. I did whatever I could to make him happy. Half way thru the trip he was ok and told me he only did that bc he loved me and couldn't live without me. He said I had to explain to his Dad that we were back and it was my fault. I was so terrified that I had just been kidnapped. We went back to WI and to his dad's house. I ignored every ones phone calls until they threatened to call the cops. I lied and told them I was fine and they didn't believe me. Jon got nervous and decided we needed to get out of there. We drove to his hometown of Chilton, WI. It was scary but he said he loved me and we had to do this. It was fine at first and we were happy. Jon had to return his dad's car and so I stayed with his sisters kids. My cousin called the cops and chased him back to Chilton with his sister. The cops came and asked me if I was ok and of course I said yes bc he threatened me that if I told anyone he would hurt my niece. I lived there until around Easter. I lived in pure hell and had no way out. The only thing I did alone was go to the bathroom. We took showers together and he walked me to work and sat outside my work until I was done. He kept every paycheck and made me pawn my iPad. I lost all of who I was. When he was finally arrested, I got to move to my aunt's house. I was so happy to be free and back to Appleton. My family wanted me back so bad and when I finally got back, it was nothing. It was like I was tainted and they didn't want to be around me. I started to hang out with Peter again and he introduced me to Meth. The first time I smoked it, it didn't do much. It gave me confidence and I wasn't constantly looking behind my shoulder. I met Nate the next day. Nate and I stayed at Charlie's house and were up for 7 days straight! My cousins were former Meth Addicts but once they knew that I was using it, they wanted it all the time. Nate was so good and only used it on the weekends. He would come over and help me use the bitch bc I didn't know how to. We spent so much time together and he had so much knowledge for a 21 yr old. We didn't realize that we were in a mix of horrible criminals, including my ex Peter. My cousins started to get greedy and eventually kicked me out of their house. I was smoking Meth with my cousins and I got blamed for all of it. Meth never left me like my family did or so I thought. I got to met alot of people while using Meth. I met Nate's cousin Dan first and we clicked instantly. He like Nate was so wise for his 20 yr old self. I eventually moved back to the townhouse in Neenah with Peter, gma and Shauna. It was awesome :) I was back at my house with my dogs and my new boyfriend. I didn't know this whole time peter was doing Heroin. He still doesn't think that I know. Nate was so different. He was never rude to me and when he was he would apologize when he was. He kept me safe like Jon couldn't. I became popular amongst the users and thought everyone was my friend. I befriended and trusted everyone I used with. Nate and I had a rough summer and it all started when I was introduced to Amanda Krohn. The day she got out of jail Dan, Nate and myself picked her up from Green Bay. She was with us for over 2 weeks. In that time we became friends and then enemies. She introduced me to Dave and Jeff. I left Nate for Jeff and lived with them for a few weeks. Jeff became paranoid on Meth and I moved back with Peter. Nate and I reconnected bc I became pregnant in June and we wanted to quit using and just sell it. Stupid I know. The day after Taylor's bday party we got into a fight bc we found out we had miscarried. I was pissed bc I had to go to the appt alone bc he wanted to sleep. I decided to drink and blacked out. A fight happened and I was taken to the ER and he jail. We had a no contact order but that didn't stop us from being together. I decided I needed help so I went to detox and a week of mental help. During this time he really got into selling meth and a little heroin. He was very upset with me while I was gone and was hanging out with Amber alot. During this time he introduced me to bangin it. I fell in love from day one. He hated it. I thankfully could not do it myself so I had alot of willing dr's to help me bc I would give them a shot. Eventually we were homeless again and I moved to Fro's with him. Peter was there so we felt safe in this HUGE apt. Little did we know, Peter was involved in a string of burglaries and had been talking to the police. Nate and I were selling Meth and I was better at it. We were so focused on this that we didn't pay attention to what was going on around us. Peter started to help people out with robbing homes. On 09/27/14  Nate and I came back from the storage unit and Peter, Charlie and Dan were outside in the parking lot. I noticed that Peter didn't look right. I grabbed a bottle of water and ran over to the truck. They held me back and wouldn't let me near him. He had banged too much Meth and was seizing. I realized this and started crying. I told Dan that he wasn't getting in that truck and Peter drove off with Charlie aka Manson. We went back into the apt and started to weigh, bag and tag our product. That night was crazy and eventually Charlie came back alone without Peter. Long story short, they robbed a house right down from Peters childhood home. Charlie made Nate and I help him carry this huge hockey size bag into Fro's apt. Dan came to the door, picked out what he wanted and left. Dan knew this whole time what was in it. Nate and I were freaked out and wanted to leave. Charlie wouldn't let us take our car. He called Stevo and gave me a bag and told us to take it with. We had no idea what was in it. We stayed with Stevo until Charlie left the house. We went back to Stevo's and fell asleep. I missed my first day of work and woke up to the police detectives at the door. I talked to them and was informed about what was really going on. 9/29/14 was the last day I saw Nate and he has been  locked up ever since. I was for the first time alone. I started to sell more meth and hung out at Fro's. Eventually I got kicked out and moved with Nate's cousin Dan. We made a great team and were making good money. I would occasionally see Nate but not as much as he would like. Dan started to get too involved and could no longer keep  me safe. The asians got word of this and I was introduced to Puma. Puma was known to have "girls" and I thought I would never be sucked into prostitution like Nate and I feared. Well after smoking a combo of meth and heroin I was. It happened once and Puma kept me safe. All the other asians thought I was his girl and they left me alone. I became his biggest pusher and we became friends. I eventually lived with a banger named Shauna and was using Meth with her. She tried to keep this from her boyfriend and blamed everything on me. He kicked me out and I moved to a hotel in New London for a few weeks. I was pushing shit with Brandon and he had set up a stupid deal that I had no involvement with.Brandon and I were being watched by the MEG unit and the feds because Puma was one of the biggest Meth dealers in NE WI. Brandon and I got picked up on 12/5/14 by the MEG unit. I, Charlotte White spent my first weekend in jail. I was terrified and scared. The MEG unit told me to leave when I was released. My charges were dropped and I never looked back. I came here to MN and lived on and off with my mom until I got into treatment. During this time, 2 charges came against me: Fraudulent use of a credit card ( I was in detox for that) and Felony receiving stolen property. Both of which I have 2 warrants for.  I can't believe that the one night I was at fro's I am facing a charge that could ruin my life. I am happy that I went to treatment, first at A Women's Way and then to Wayside. I am now sitting on an Apple computer at my current house , Cabrini sober living. I am 80 days sober and loving it. I have lost everything I loved. Shauna stole most of my clothes from my hotel room and it took me awhile to get over that. Charlotte White disappeared after I took off that $2000 engagement ring. I lost my house, car, self worth, dog Oliver and innocence so to speak. I miss my life before then. I thought that if I moved back here I would be happy with the MN life. My family still treats me like I am tainted and do not include me. My brother Johnny does bc he is a recovering alcoholic. I really want to move back to Appleton. I know I was bad there but that is where I changed my life. I went thru 3 miscarriages, got engaged, lost 3 dog children and made amazing friends. Alot of people ask me why I would want to go back to a place that took so much from me and think I'm crazy for wanting to go back. I discovered who I was there. I am a fighter and can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I wake up everyday and wish to be back there. I miss the awesome SOBER friends I met there. I love the friends I have made here but my heart belongs to Appleton. Once I get all my legal shit figured out this week, I want to go back there. I will do it for myself and no one else. I know Nate still thinks we are going to be together but how can that work? I changed myself for him and I can't do that anymore. I am only here to stay sober and gain the tools I need. When I move back there he will not know. I am no longer scared of Jon and what he can do to me bc he can only do what I allow him to do. Peter is going to be in prison for a long time and so I am going to get my baby Kingston back. I feel so empowered to do this and the only support I need is God and my parents. So that is what I am going to do.

It's time to focus on me

Peter and I broke up this weekend and it was a long time coming. I am single for the first time in 5 yrs and I don't know what to do. I know that I need to move on with my life. I guess I am going back to MN just like I always wanted to do. Right now I feel completely empty and worthless. I am 31 yrs old, I dont have a home or a car.I don't know what to do anymore. I should be leaning on God and I am trying my best but what if I am scared of what his plan is? I am going to hang out with a great spiritual friend Kara today so I can just cry it out..Im sure Im such a winner right now lol!

Cook Family Reunion

So this past weekend we went up to Red Lake for my moms side of the family reunion. I was a little nervous at first but had a great time. I actually spent a lot of time with my dad, something I never thought I would get the chance to do. We played slots together and I even got to see his house! I got to meet my sister Chele and brother Bryan. They are both very nice and I hope I can build a relationship with them in the future. Id love to take a trip up there this fall to hang out with them again but idk if I  ready for that yet. 

Feeling fat

I stepped on the scale today and I'm back at 160 lbs like I was at my one year anniversary. I need to lose 30 lbs. All of my clothes from last summer don't fit so I barely have anything to wear. I just want to cry! Stop feeling sorry for yourself right? 

Lazy Saturday

It's my one day off and I'm enjoying it by doing nothing. I'm trying to catch up on my shows but my dogs won't let me!

On my way back from FL

Here I sit in FIRST CLASS on my flight back from Orlando. I had the best time visiting my aunt and uncle. I was sick the whole time and the last day I was finally able to taste food again. We had only one warm day and we took advantage of it and sat at the pool. We both have a nice burn/tan. I really enjoyed myself there and it makes me realize what is important to me now. I am going to have to make some big changes that will put me first. One thing I have to change right away is my eating habits. I have started to gain weight back and that's not good! I am going to have to go grocery shopping ASAP when I get home. Well I better get started :)